Being a parent doesn’t get easier over time. Every day there are decisions to make and sometimes I make the wrong choice.
The other day DS1 didn’t sleep well. He didn’t have fever, but didn’t feel 100%. I didn’t know what to do. If I sent him to school he could get worse. If I kept him home he could’ve been fine.
Adding to the stress was the in-person meeting I had scheduled for that day and the fact that I had already worked from home on Monday and Wednesday. It was Thursday and I definitely wasn’t going into the office on a Friday.
So, like parents sometimes do, I made the wrong choice. I was so focused on getting to work and preparing for my meeting that I didn’t pay enough attention to how my son was feeling.
How bad did I feel when I got a call from the nurses office? How much working mom-guilt filled my heart? The only thought that went through my mind at that moment was, “why didn’t I pay more attention to DS1?”
I was in a rush that morning. I was clearly only focused on myself when I shouldn’t have been. But it was too late. The damage was done and I couldn’t go back in time.
B”h DS1 was fine, but I was shaken up. How many times have I put myself before my children? How many times have I expected my kids to “push through” because I had to go to work?
From that moment on I realized that I have to stop and evaluate each situation. I cannot assume that no fever = good to go. I also cannot assume that my children know how to effectively communicate how they really feel.
After the nurse called me I felt so guilty for sending DS to school. I called DH and told him how I had to apologize to DS for making the wrong choice. I then made sure to buy DS a special treat that evening while I was doing my Shabbos shopping. I wanted him to know I love him and he is more important to me than my meeting.
When I got home I apologized to him and explained that sometimes I also make the wrong choice.
This experience was a wake up call for me to start listening and stop putting myself first. But what I also learned from this situation is that I’m only human. I don’t always know what the right choice is. I will make mistakes and feel mom-guilt. And all of this is ok.
So I will continue on. I will spend more time evaluating each situation. I will not react based on my schedule for the day. And I will try do better next time around.
Until next time,